I woke up today with an overwhelming feeling of I can do this. I can do anything that I want to, whether I had an epiphany during the night or if this time of the year is just making me so positive, I’ll take it. Certainly a better environment for Amelia to grown up in. Yesterday was a strange day, mum getting locked out of the house and me finding I had people who would gladly help me if things got tough, everyone needs that eye opener when you are feeling a little lost and self centred.
Well this is a turn up for the books, we actually got Amelia asleep at a decent time with no need of car, iPad etc. I just chilled out with the lights out and my headphones in, Sascha on the other hand was so relaxed that he fell asleep with her.
So I took this moment to have some time to myself, listening to some music and trying to actually finish one of my books, I’ve got so many started at the moment it’s stupid. Plus I am so far behind on my goodreads challenge.
I was spending too much time just scrolling through all the social media apps on my iPhone, nights and morning would pass with me not getting anything I wanted to done, because I was like a slave to my damn phone. I did not want Amelia seeing that mummy anymore.
So I gave myself a self imposed ban of at least 48 hours, all I could do was post my 100 days of happy picture and fill in my fitness pal, and one day checking my email for my grocery delivery slot time. One day I even accidentally forgot my phone as it was charging.
Over 50 hours later what did I miss, well other than some likes on my photos, absolutely nothing. I in this time got loads of housework done, I cooked nice meals and I read a really good book. Most importantly Amelia was completely different while mummy was not continuously checking her phone. I also felt much clearer in my mind.
I don’t think I have to say anymore really, social media is great but…
Reading back over this blog, my posts are far to pessimistic and it makes me sound like such a miserable and moany person and really I am not like that at all. Makes me realise that I am more likely to update my blog when I am upset, rather than when something good happens.
To counteract this I have decided to take part in 100 happy days to remind me what I have to be grateful for in life, to look for that happy moment no matter how difficult it may seem on some days.
Height – 5ft 6in
Weight – 198.5
BMI – 32
Waist – 38″
Bust – 47″
Arm – 12.5″
Thigh – 27.5″
2 months in and yesterday was hard work, Amelia went crazy in Sainsburys, and I was really not hungry. Weight loss is going great but now I need to start working on my mental and emotional health. One by one these things are going to get better too. Right now I am just so pleased to be under 200lbs.
Amelia said something so innocent which just completely hit the nail on the head for the way I am feeling at the moment.
I was trying on my smaller sized clothes to see how my weight loss was progressing. Amelia walked into the room and said ‘mummy are you changing too, you and me are both changing but daddy is not!’
No before anyone says talk to him, right now I don’t want to do that. I need to work a few things out in my head first. I just feel this innocent comment could sum up things better than I ever good.
(Oh and the weight loss is going great by the way 😃)
Amelia has been dry at night for months and then when we were on holiday in Malta she wet the bed. I felt awful for her, but her fathers first reaction was to blame me for not putting her on the toilet before bed. Still we move on the holiday carried on without hitch. About a week after we get home it happens again and of course once again the finger is pointed at me.
Fast forward a couple of weeks to last night and she is in my bed with me and guess what happens. I talk to her about it and ask why she didn’t wake me up to tell me and she replies ‘daddy might get angry’. Then again tonight it happens in her bed and I will admit I am not proud of my reaction and that’s why I am laying awake now.
Tomorrow I will talk it calmly through with her and promise myself I will never react like that again, no I didn’t shout or smack but I shouldn’t have acted so very disappointed.
Waterproof sheets have been ordered, (I was silly to not already have them) and tomorrow is another day, we will work through this together, the last thing I want is by wonderful little lady being too afraid to talk to me.
Now must try and sleep or I will be no use to anyone.